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The Unreachable Broken Piece How do you heal the broken part of yourself that you cannot find? No matter how far you reach into yourself, you can never quite touch it. This was the question of a young mother looking into the big beautiful blue eyes of her newborn baby girl.  Just two short months after losing my dad to suicide, I gave birth to my second daughter. To say I was a mess would be an understatement. I was lost spiritually, drowning in grief, and suddenly responsible for caring for a beautiful miracle. Due to the stress of loss in my life, she was born three weeks early, but she was perfect in every way. I looked into her big blue eyes and cried many times in the months that followed.  Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Through all this time, I never found the answer to that question. How do you heal the broken part of yourself that you cannot find? It was December 2009 that the answer started coming, in bits and pieces. It was a cold December day when I gave my heart to Jesus.  The moment Jesus stepped into my heart, the cold, dead, hardness that had been my companion for years began to fall away. Jesus began to slowly uncover the broken pieces hidden deep inside me that I could not find on my own. I could never touch these broken pieces because they could only be fixed by the hand of God. My spirit had to be touched, quickened by God. God's Deep Clean: Spiritual Healing of the Soul The moment God redeemed my soul, the moment He saved me, sprouts of blessing burst to life within me. Things I had kept hidden away were suddenly illuminated by the holy light of heaven. Doors began to fly off the hinges as God swung them open. Years of filth were instantly washed away. God cleaned the house of my existence and taught me how to dig into His word and prayer for an even deeper cleansing. God’s healing is so refreshing. Surrendering What We Can't Fix Friend, you can’t heal the broken pieces of yourself that are God’s to heal. Even after God does the work of salvation within us, clears the debris away, and calls us by name, there will still be things we initially refuse to let go of, and things we add in along the way as we journey toward home.  Have you experienced a moment like this in your life? Has Jesus reached into the depths of your existence and created a new you from the inside out? Have you been touched and changed by the hand of God? You know if you have. There is no mistaking God’s blessed touch. Choose the Gift That Brings Healing Friend, have you allowed God to heal you spiritually? It is the best decision I have ever made.  I became the best version of myself the moment I asked Jesus into my heart. I became a new mom, wife, daughter, and friend. I became the version of myself that I should have chosen years prior. My greatest regret is not doing so sooner.  Choose Jesus, He is the gift that brings healing to our soul. If this post spoke to your heart and you’d like to press deeper in your prayer life, I’d love to invite you to explore Book one of my devotional series, His Name Is Jesus . It was written through the trials and struggles God used to shape my journey of prayer. May its words draw you closer to Him and remind you that everything God touches becomes beautiful. Free to read with Kindle Unlimited.

Walking Through a Life Marked by Loss Loss has been my near constant companion for as long as I can remember. I moved through multiple schools growing up; nine schools to be exact. I was an incredibly shy kid and did not make friends easily. I made a few friends through the years sporadically, but I always held people far from my heart. I figured out at a very early age that it was easier on my heart to keep my distance than to get attached to people. Childhood Friendships and Early Goodbyes Around age 8, we moved to a little community in Oak Hill, Ohio. There, I met a couple that loved me as their own. They were our neighbors and had no children at the time. Bob and Krystal were my new best friends. They took me fishing, the flea market, and the zoo among other places. I went everywhere with them. They treated me like a princess. Then a few short months later, we moved again. I was still able to visit them, but much less frequently.  Then 1992 rolled around. I lost my grandpa, my mom’s dad. I remember standing at the casket, not fully understanding what was going on. People were crying, mom asked me if I was ok, and I just nodded yes. I closed my heart off to the pain as I had learned to do through the years and drifted off to a corner and watched people move about.  Marriage, Motherhood, and Heartbreak I met my husband at 15 and married at 16. I know, we were both super young. I had my first two daughters at age 18 and 20. Then around age 22, I had a miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I was unaware I was pregnant until that moment. I had no idea how much this loss would affect me. I went into a deep depression. One of the biggest things I struggled with was people not understanding how I could be so upset with losing something I never knew existed. That something was/is not a something, but a someone to me. A life that my body carried and prepared for, for several months, was suddenly gone. Not knowing prior did not change the fact that I was still a mom who lost a child. The pain of this loss hit me deep and extremely hard.  A Family Scattered and a Father Lost I was essentially an only child growing up, though I have four other siblings. I have two older brothers and a set of twin sisters. My brothers lived with my dad and my sisters lived with my grandma. I spent most summers and vacations at my grandma’s with my sisters, but rarely saw my brothers except for in passing. I did not meet my dad until I was 13. I lost him to suicide in June of 2003. He was a rough man, but from the moment I met him, he treated me like a princess. He called me his baby girl.  Oh, how I miss hearing those words. He introduced me to his side of the family who doted on me as much, if not more, than he did, but I struggled to let these newfound people close to my heart.  A Year of Unimaginable Loss 2003 turned out to be a year unlike anything I had ever experienced. Within a few short months, death stole more of my heart. I lost my dad and both his parents within a few months of each other. This new family tried to console me. My aunts, Mandy and Kay, especially so; but it's hard to open your heart to others when it feels like loss is constantly waiting to come in like a rushing river.  Faith That Heals: Jesus in the Midst of Sorrow I view loss so much differently now then I did then. Walking through life knowing Jesus is right by my side gives a peace that passes our human understanding. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine how I ever did life without Him, and it is only by His grace and the prayers of others that I got through these losses and others in one piece.  Finding Peace in the Presence of Jesus My life has been riddled with loss, even today, but Jesus always makes a way where I see no way. We all face tragedy, but it is who we face that tragedy with that matters. Find peace in Jesus. Friend, look up to heaven. You are not alone. Jesus is only a breath away at all times. Don’t let loss trap you as it did me. Don’t let your heart hold others away as I did. I still struggle with this today, but then I give it to Jesus. There is no use hiding it, He already knows our pain and has the perfect balm to cover our hurt with. Let Jesus give you the peace that only comes in His presence. Hold to the hem of His garment and let healing flow from the Master. If this post spoke to your heart and you’d like to press deeper in your prayer life, I’d love to invite you to explore Book one of my devotional series, His Name Is Jesus . It was written through the trials and struggles God used to shape my journey of prayer. May its words draw you closer to Him and remind you that everything God touches becomes beautiful.

Friend, you did not stumble into this moment accidentally. God has allowed this season for a reason. It may seem completely random but I assure you God is always at work in His children's lives. It is often during seasons that don’t make sense that God is doing a great work to make us more like Him.  When Loneliness May Be a Test from God As I look back through the pages of my mind, I am reminded of a time in my life filled with great loneliness. During this time, God was working something beautiful. Though I could not see it then, I see it fully now. In the months following accepting Jesus as my Saviour, I was met with a loneliness like I had never experienced before. It was a weird kind of loneliness. There were times I was surrounded by people, yet felt like I was the only one in the room.   The Quiet Conviction That Changed Everything One of those times I was at home enjoying an evening with my husband and girls. The evening was going as usual; we had finished dinner and had settled down to watch TV as we often did.  Most evenings started the same: my husband would start our show, the girls would  bicker over toys, and I would tell them to quiet down or go to their room. Pretty much like clockwork every day.  The Quiet Conviction That Changed Everything What I didn’t know was that this evening would be different. Our favorite show began to play, the girls scurried off to their room, and as soon as the intro music started, I felt overwhelmingly convicted. I knew this feeling well. It was the same feeling I felt when God pressed my heart to come to Him. I knew at that moment I could not watch that show any more.  Learning to Let Go of the Things That Separate Us from God Letting go of this show should not be difficult for a child of God, you may say. After all, I had the Holy Spirit guiding my heart. However, the devil knows exactly where to strike to cause us to doubt God. God’s children still have free will to listen to His voice or close our ears to His call.  You see, my husband was not saved. He was very respectful to my choice to serve God as long as it didn’t interfere with his life choices. I knew this new revelation was not going to go over well with him because it was his favorite show. I would like to say that I was brave, was faithful to God, and told him immediately. That is not the case unfortunately.  The Cost of Disobedience and the Blessings of Obedience It took me months with God pressing on my heart, more and more each day, to work up the nerve to tell him. What started as one show turned into movies, music, people, books, and so much more as the months passed. To say my husband was not pleased was an understatement.  I have heard people say God forgives our disobedience. Yes, He does when we come to Him with a truly repentant heart, but we must also weigh the cost of that disobedience. I can tell you from experience the blessings we forfeit during these times of rebellion are worth far more than the disappointment and backlash we may receive from humanity.  A Lesson in Faith: When I Finally Stepped Out in Obedience If I had gone to my husband when God first pricked my heart on the matter, I would have been going to him with God leading the way. Instead, after months of disobedience, I went to him in a heart of desperation fueled by my flesh. I knew God wanted this stuff out of my life. I had fought God’s gentle nudging for months and, with diarrhea of the mouth, I spewed everything God had been working on in me out on him in one afternoon. Big, unfair mistake. For months I had sat next to my husband trying my best to pray my way through these shows and not hear the cursing and filth riddled hours each day. I was present, but felt so alone. I wanted so badly to be real with my husband; but instead, I did what I could to ease the ache in my heart. It took me months to realize that I was sitting in a loneliness that I had created for myself. A loneliness that would have never come if I had been obedient to God’s call to begin with and told my husband the truth. How Fear Keeps Us from Obeying God’s Call The devil hit me with the same fear he hit me with the day I got saved. I ran from God then, and I ran from Him again. I wish I could say this was the last time he used this fear against me, but it's not.  Friend, Don’t Stay in the Loneliness God Never Meant for You Friend, are you in a place like this today? Please don’t stay here one second longer. God has so much more for you: so many blessings you can't see in this place. Don’t let the devil have one more minute in your mind! When I stepped out in faith and told my husband, my life didn’t instantly become perfect; but through that measure of faith, God began to work in my unsaved husband's heart. His respect for me grew even more and, though he still did things I didn’t approve of, he very rarely pushed them on me going forward.  God’s Grace Covers the Mistakes That Delay Our Obedience There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently, but I'm so thankful for God’s forgiveness and never-ending grace to see us through the mistakes we make.   If this post spoke to your heart and you’d like to press deeper in your prayer life, I’d love to invite you to explore Book one of my devotional series, His Name Is Jesus . It was written through the trials and struggles God used to shape my journey of prayer. May its words draw you closer to Him and remind you that everything God touches becomes beautiful.

With Each Day Comes New Struggles  God uses these struggles as lessons to help mature our faith. The past and the future are connected. We can learn from the past or keep walking through similar situations until we learn the lesson God is trying to teach us.  The Day Everything Went Wrong In 2009, within a few days of accepting Jesus as my Savior, every drain pipe in our trailer froze solid, and it was only the beginning. A few days later, it snowed heavily, the main water line burst and poured down the hill all night, covering the frozen river it created beneath.  How did I figure this out you might ask? I had to take my oldest daughter for a CT scan that morning and slipped on the hidden mess beneath the snow while heading to the car. That morning turned into both of us getting a CT scan of our heads. This was only the beginning of the misfortunes that would come in the weeks ahead.  “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” James 1:12 KJV Faith Tested In Life's Storm. My husband, not saved, used this opportunity to let me know that it was my fault this stuff was happening. He said something along the lines of, “The devil is attacking you. You got saved and the devil isn’t happy.”  Learning to Pray When You Don’t Know How I knew nothing about how to pray and I hadn’t read my Bible enough to understand who Jesus truly was, but I knew there was power in prayer. I knew if God could change my heart and make me into someone new, then He was the one who had the answers. In my feeble attempts I began to pray and read my Bible as best I could while juggling three rambunctious girls. It didn’t take long for me to crash and burn. I struggled through sleepless nights and lots of fights. I was in a tremendous spiritual battle.  All the while, I felt God pressing my heart. It was as if I could hear Him saying, “Don’t stop praying. It doesn’t matter if you can see the results yet, I see what you can’t see. I’m working behind the scenes in the heavenlies. Keep trusting, keep reading, keep praying.” God’s Lessons Through Life’s Repeated Trials So I pressed on day to day. I tried to be the best mom and wife I could be and learn what this new life in Christ held for my future. God sent many lessons my way. Some I learned quickly, some took repeated tries to perfect, but all led me closer to Jesus.  My faith was tested through life's storm. “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3 The Beginning of My Prayer Journey It was during these early months of my new life in Christ that I began to journal my thoughts. It was more so writing Bible verses down and jotting some thoughts on those, but it was a start nonetheless. My prayer journey began so small and in the middle of adversity, but God can do great and mighty things with the tiniest of seeds.  I failed God many times throughout my first year, but He never failed me. He picked me up time and time again. Trials are a tough part of our Christian life, but a very necessary part. Without them, we would wander mindlessly, never understanding the closeness we can experience with God in the secret place.  Press On with a Heart of Praise Friend, where are you today? Are you at the beginning as I was or many miles down the road? Wherever you are, remember,  there will be more trials as we continue this journey toward our hHeavenly home. Don’t lose heart. Press on with a heart of praise and know you are not alone. God walks every mile by your side.  If this post spoke to your heart and you’d like to press deeper in your prayer life, I’d love to invite you to explore Book one of my devotional series, His Name Is Jesus . It was written through the trials and struggles God used to shape my journey of prayer. May its words draw you closer to Him and remind you that everything God touches becomes beautiful.

Have You Ever Wondered If God Could Save Someone Like You? Have you ever stood in a church restroom looking at yourself in the mirror and wondered, “Is it really possible for God to save a girl like me?” That is exactly where I found myself one cold night in December 2009. “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” — Matthew 28:19-20 A Brother’s Faithful Invitation My brother honored this scripture well. He had invited me to go to church with him for weeks. He was persistent despite my endless refusals. My excuses were weak and filled with lies, but I gave them to him nonetheless. That day felt different. I woke up that morning knowing in my heart he would call at some point throughout the day. I had every intention of ignoring his call. I went about my day as usual, waiting for the phone to ring with a giant lump in the pit of my stomach. Finally, the phone rang. I saw his number, listened to it ring over and over, then at the last minute, answered. In my head, I worked up a scenario. I thought, “If I go to church with him this one time, he will be happy and leave me alone.” I convinced myself the calls would finally end. Boy, was my assumption wrong. I listened to his excited voice and told him I would go. He was elated. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. The Night Everything Changed He picked us up—me and the girls—that evening and talked our heads off the entire 35-minute drive. We finally pulled into the parking lot and made our way into the church. I was a nervous wreck. So many people greeted us as we walked to my brother’s pew. “And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” — Mark 16:15 The service began as usual, but I was far from normal. The moment the preacher began to speak, my heart began to break. I was under conviction. The Holy Spirit pressed on my heart with so much love that I felt it might burst at any moment. When Conviction Meets Grace As the sermon came to a close, the preacher asked everyone to stand. He began to invite lost souls to the altar for prayer. I was crying so hard. I knew I needed to go. I knew Jesus was calling my name. I stepped past my brother, but in fear, I turned the opposite way and ran to the restroom. That is how I found myself in a church restroom, looking in the mirror, wondering, Is it really possible for God to save a girl like me? The preacher did not water down the gospel that day. He was faithful and spoke truth through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit—and it touched my soul deeply. The Whisper That Led to My Salvation Story I gazed into the mirror, looking at a girl hysterically crying with puffy red eyes and tear-stained cheeks when suddenly the bathroom door flew open. Within seconds, the room filled with women. A teen girl gently took me by the hand and looked me straight in the eyes. It felt as though she was staring into my soul. She asked what was wrong. Then out of nowhere, a whisper came from one of the stalls: “She needs Jesus. She needs to be saved.” That faithful teen led me to the Lord in that church bathroom that day. I was surrounded by praying women in the most unlikely place. To this day, I do not know where that whisper came from, but I choose to believe it was a whisper from heaven—because it was the whisper that led me to grace. That day was definitely different! That day birthed my salvation story. This was the day I had my first conversation with Jesus. The day that changed my life for eternity. Friend, today could be the day of change for you too. A change of destination. A change in your prayer life. Have you asked Jesus into your Heart? He can do great and mighty things with small seeds of faith. Take the step today. Make today a different day. If this post spoke to your heart and you’d like to press deeper in your prayer life, I’d love to invite you to explore Book one of my devotional series, His Name Is Jesus . It was written through the trials and struggles God used to shape my journey of prayer. May its words draw you closer to Him and remind you that everything God touches becomes beautiful.